a brief look into my psyche

13 November, 2006

I have decided to have a crack at the job. The one that’s been flitting in and out of view for the last year and a half. It’s a good opportunity, really. A chance to get into a ‘real world’ environment. There’s scope for some development work also, and I’d be working with the testing guy, so there’s an opportunity to get a look at that too.

I have a meeting with them tomorrow, to chat about pay and conditions. I am a little worried about it, because of the mortgage and silly things of that ilk, but I have to bite the bullet one day, and those days are getting fewer and further between.

Last night I sat down and figured out what I currently earn, and what I need to earn to make our house still work. It was an eye-opening time. I am fortunate that Mrs Gizo is so good at working. I know that if everything goes pear-shaped she will have no trouble getting work again and helping to pick up the slack.

But when I lay my head down to sleep last night I couldn’t close my eyes without a red shroud of fear passing over me. I’m not worried about the money – I’ve embraced the “we’ll get through” attitude – I’m actually worried about the work, about humiliating myself. I’ve met Paul, the testing guy who I will be working under, and he intimidates me a bit (most people do). He’s confident and loud and a character and a really nice guy. I am scared that he’ll be disappointed by me. Even though I’ve met the Big Boss Man and his two Underlings, and been very open with them all about what I do and do not know. I’ve done their knowledge tests on C# and MSSQL, so they have a good indication of who they’re hiring. And yet, there’s a part of me (the part that Mrs Gizo hates) that thinks they’ve made a bad decision, and that it’ll all come crashing down on me, and ruin me. I try so hard to silence it, but it’s always there. It’ll be fine once (if) I start, and get into it, but for now, if you feel a rumble in the ground it’s probably just me shaking in my boots.

I’ll do my best to be still and be strong.


6 Responses to “a brief look into my psyche”

  1. gruntski Says:

    Best o’ British, to ya. You’ll be fine; nerves are understandable; you have been in ur current job for so long, you almost were trapped by the “safe and secure (and boring and unexciting)” rut.

    Congratumalations on your pending move:

    BIGGG Cahoonas. HUGE!!!!!

  2. vetti Says:

    …giz, you may have difficulty seeing this right now, but by doing your very best and continuing to learn, how can you possibly disappoint anyone ? you have been open and honest with them, keep this up and you’ll do just fine.

  3. bookboy Says:

    Um … fear is only pain leaving the body.
    Does that make you feel inspired and confident? I read it on a t-shirt once.
    The way I look at it, you at least know how to spell C% and MSSTHL, so you’re already streets ahead of many people.

  4. gruntski Says:

    @Bookboy–*Giggle*. tha’s funny.

  5. antman Says:

    Congrats Giz – the decision you just made was probably the most traumatic part. You made the right move – new job, new challange, new zest and I’m sure you’ll be freakin’ great. Upwards and onwards!

  6. vetti Says:

    how did your meeting go? thinking of you today…

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